thank you all for your comforting words and advice regarding my slumping feelings. i know i need to eat better, take my vitamins and what-not, but i am not having a lot of luck being consistent there. like i wrote, it is complex, and even i don't understand it.
for example, occasionally my worry is focused on Rome. why isn't he grabbing things yet? i wonder. over the past 11 weeks, i have felt he is slow to be in his own body. it worries me, a lot. but all babies are different and he seems happy... so happy that he sleeps all night and most of the day. so happy that he rarely, rarely cries. he is also my first 'self-soother'- he loves to suck on his fist and not just when he is hungry. all the time! he has a little sucking blister on the index finger of his hand. one of the rare crying moments can be triggered by removing the hand from his suck-distance. Karl says if i weren't worried about this, it would be something else. he's right, but that doesn't relieve my worry of course.
on a lighter note, we bought hay for the winter. a lot of hay, that is the financial ruin part of the post. yeah, a lighter note! hay isn't cheap, but i like Karl's comparison of it to a rick of firewood or a shelf full of canning- it is security for us as cow owners. we bought 8 round bales (these are big) and it will not be enough, but this week we are also securing about 100 square bales of good grass hay. we also have a small feed barn full of feed for the cows and pigs & all the firewood our hearts could desire. canning is lacking this year.
i will get some pictures today, if the sun is out. my standard of a productive day has been lowered: keep everyone alive, wash dishes and laundry, feed people. it is as if the ages of the 4 kids and our circumstances have coincided to create the most challenging situation ever.