I am going to give the new Family Doc a thumbs up, because he is very nice, young, aware, and doesn't think it is his job to enforce vaccination. I think he and I can respectfully disagree, a situation that I will never take for granted again. (I was kicked out of my pediatrician's practice recently).
I met with him to seek help for Anatoly, and the doctor came back at me with autism. He is convinced, I am not, but I am excited to see what this path unveils. At the same time I am going to begin an elimination diet for Toly, just in case.
If Anatoly is autistic, that's okay. Just knowing there could be something other than my shoddy parenting happening here is music to my ears. Weight is both applied and lifted- weight applied because we don't fully understand autism or autism as it relates to Toly (how can this be?), weight lifted because we can stop blaming ourselves, stop putting it off for another day, stop wondering when he will ever "know better". And we can start getting to know Toly better.
I ordered the book Not Even Wrong: Adventures in Autism, Phoebe's recommendation. I am reading things... sometimes I stop and look at Toly and say "He's so... normal!". Then there's this morning, when happiness was only acheived for him when we put Totoro on in one corner of the computer screen and Dune on in the other and played them at the same time. And all of the subtleties of Toly... they led me to seek help, and I have it now. I am going to try to go with this flow, and see. That isn't easy for me. I have a tendency to oppose everything and everyone.